West Bank Settlements To Be Removed

Massive Withdrawal Planned:  In a move that he claims has no political motivation, Mayor Richard J Berry today announced that all Albuquerque settlements on the West Bank of the Rio Grande will be dismantled and removed.

Where the heck is Albuquerque?

 "Nobody goes there anyway," said the mayor.

When it was pointed out that these were housing developments, not settlements, the mayor said "I don't care why they moved there.  They bought a house, they settled down.  They're settlements."

The mayor's new directive will apply to "Paradise Hills, Taylor Ranch, and whatever they call that area around Coors and Sequoia," said the mayor.  He stressed that the withdrawal applies only to Bernalillo County, where he has jurisdiction.  "Rio Ranchers are on their own."

Nobody knows how far Bernalillo County stretches to the west, but the Weck's Restaurant at the end of Universe has vowed to remain open no matter what.

Mayor Richard J Berry

The I-40 corridor, for what it's worth, is also exempt from the withdrawal decision.  "It's the only way to get to California," noted the mayor.  "And refugees from Arizona need a way to flee that oppressive regime.  It's the humanitarian thing to do, keeping I-40 open."

The mayor said that when he found out that many of the West Bank homes were under water, he decided he had to act quickly.  "If they're under water on the high mesa, how long would it be before we've got canals and marinas on Central Avenue?"

View from a West Bank settlement

Where are all the West Bank settlers to live?  The mayor said he doesn't know and he doesn't care.

The Greater Albuquerque Association of Realtors applauded the mayor's move, saying "The value of housing in Albuquerque proper - on the East Bank of the Rio Grande, where the best people live - will surely double."

The mayor said he was considering building a row of one bedroom apartments along Montgomery to house the displaced settlers.  "But they're already pretty full up."